Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
