I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
