I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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