Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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