I looked at my own cervix.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
