Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
