Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
