I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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