i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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