when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
