can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
