Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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