Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
