it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you win again, gameday.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
