She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
