After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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