U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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