when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
