Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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