The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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