ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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