Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
