Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm bleeding and have questions
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
