He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
