I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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