What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
