i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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