sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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