She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
