Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
