This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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