I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
