I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
