Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
