pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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