how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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