I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
