We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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