the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
