I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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