I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
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