I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
