69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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