so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Lo siento on account of my penis...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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