It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
