Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
