if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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