I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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