his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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