I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
