I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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