Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
