Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize