I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize