How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I know her cup size but not her name....
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