i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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