I just threw up on my dentist
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
