1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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