see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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